First time on this blog? Beijing Traffic Lesson: Left Turn is probably a good place to start.

Friday, May 4, 2007

T-Minus 6 Days: Gentlemen, Start Your Panic! (Part 2)

OK, resuming our countdown of top 10 things I still need to do before going to China:

5.) Adjust My Sleep Schedule: This may surprise you, but China is VERY far away. Imagine how far it is to walk a mile. Pretty far, right? Well, China is WAY further!

It's so far, in fact, that the rules of time and space are torn just getting there, kind of like going through a black hole, only instead of getting compressed into an infinitely small singularity, you come out on the other side and are offered chicken feet as a "snack," which is actually a little harder to wrap my head around.

Anyway, on the other side of space/time in China our 'night' is actually their 'day,' and thanks to the International Date Line, I will take off on Thursday, May 10th and land three weeks ago. To prepare myself for this discombobulation, I am trying to tweak my sleep schedule by forgoing it altogether and drinking a bottle of Absinthe.

4.) Invent Something Brilliant that 1% of China Would Give Me $1 Each For: This is pure genius. There are so many people in China that just getting 1% of them to give me a dollar would set me up for life.

Let's go to the Whiteboard-O-Vision for my business plan:

As you can see, it's almost foolproof. Three of the four components of the plan - myself, the people of China, and their money - are already in place. I will accept investment proposals at this time.

3.) Learn To Use Chopsticks Better:
I thought I was pretty good at this, but my coworkers took me out to eat Chinese yesterday, and I complained of a soreness in my hand, and they suggested maybe I was doing something wrong. I don't think so, but I'm open to critiques:

Step 1: Interlace the RIGHT chopstick with the fingers of your RIGHT hand, using the thumb on the tip to steer it. (Make sure it's the RIGHT chopstick. Reversing them is a common newbie mistake.)

Step 2: Stick the LEFT chopstick under the band of your watch so it sticks straight out when you bend your wrist back, kind of like Spider-Man shooting a web.

Step 3: Enjoy your meal!

2.) Pack:

No problem here...

1.) Get on a plane to China. For real. In less than a week:

Oh pickles. I think I'm going to be sick...