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Monday, July 9, 2007

More Bonus Features of My Apartment

I know I can sometimes be a little sarcastic -- no, no, don't protest! I know it's true! -- and can sometimes be a little snide and snarky, as I was when I made the case that my apartment was trying to kill me.

So today, in celebration of the second wheel snapping off my office chair and skittering across the floor like it had something better to do, I am going to laud some of my apartment's more charming features.

1.) Easy Access Wiring
If you're like me, you are ALWAYS tinkering with electricity. But in our modern housing, it can be so difficult to get at the wiring, what with all the walls and plaster and whatnot. But not in my apartment! "Now, where do you think that wire is? Oh, yeah, it's STAPLED TO THE FLOOR!"

2.) Cupboard of Mystery
When I first got to the apartment, I thought "Wow! Lots of cupboard space in the kitchen!" I was half right. There are a lot of cupboard DOORS in the kitchen. Several of them, however, have no bottom - just easy access to the plumbing. But if I ever need to quickly dispose of something, I know where to go.

3.) Do-It-Yourself Wading Pool
Wet baths have become more popular in recent years. Rather than putting in a shower stall or tub, the idea is you tile everything and put a drain in the floor. Done correctly, it's a simple and elegant way to get the most out of a small bathroom space. It does, however, require one basic bit of engineering - the floor MUST be sloped towards the drain (at lower right of the sink in this picture.)

If it slopes the OTHER way, as we discovered when my family was staying here, the water runs to the two-inch-high stoop and fills the bathroom.

4.) 'E-Z Exit' Doors
Don't you hate the way you have to turn the doorknob to open a door? And don't get me started on locks! But that will never be a problem in my spare bedroom, as my wife and I discovered when we moved in there to let my parents have the master bedroom. The engineers thoughtfully made the door about 3 millimeters wider than the doorway, eliminating the chance of the door ever latching shut!

  • The needle-sharp tacks poking through the carpet by the kitchen, to make sure I'm fully awake.
  • The pre-split seams on the couch.
  • The ever-so-delicate dining room set, which seems sturdy until you apply the slightest pressure backwards, at which point the matchsticks and Elmer's glue holding it together start to give way. Imagine a $7.95 Ikea bookshelf, but without the attention to quality materials and durability.